How to Provide Emotional Validation in Relationships

Key Words Soothing: To produce feelings of comfort or relief. Validation: The act of accepting and acknowledging.

Emotional Validation: Accepting and acknowledging the emotional experience of others.

Tool: A device that assists in accomplishing a goal.

Emotional Validation and Soothing our Loved Ones

If you often feel unsure of how to navigate complex conversations with your friends or family, you are certainly not alone. Oftentimes our loved ones seek our support when they are struggling or feeling overwhelmed. Emotional validation isn’t about agreeing or saying that you believe their emotional reactions are warranted, but rather an opportunity to understand your loved one without shaming or dismissing their feelings. If you feel yourself closing up or getting uncomfortable when someone opens up to you, consider utilizing some of these tools below.

7 Tools

Active Listening:

Be present and interested in your loved ones' experience. It can be hard to hold yourself back from trying to present your side, or defend an argument, but neither of those actions will bring you closer together. Be curious of how your loved one is understanding their own situation. Utilize your active listening skills here, set down any distractions and offer eye contact.

Reflection:

Reflect back what you’re understanding. Give your loved one the opportunity to confirm they feel you have understood them, or highlight a key point they feel you’re still missing. Repeat this step until your loved one feels understood.

Be Curious:

Here is your time to ask about your loved ones experience, again the goal here is to better understand your loved one. These questions are to bring you closer, not to be socratic or neutral. If your loved one is opening up about a painful experience you can ask, “Have you experienced something like this before”, or “How can I best support you in these difficult moments”? Make sure these are open-ended questions, a yes or no question may feel curt, or cold.

Consider the Context:

If you have known your loved one for a long time or a short time, take into consideration their previous experiences. If they are hurt someone forgot about them, consider other times this loved one may have felt or experienced being forgotten. These small moments pile up and may result in a larger reaction having taken into account the previous times these feelings were brushed aside.

Normalize:

During times of struggle your loved one may feel so completely alone or ashamed. This is the opportunity to share that being upset, scared or hurt are all normal emotions that come up in hard situations, they are not alone and they are not wrong for having these feelings.

Offer Vulnerability:

When you open up to someone about something painful or uncomfortable there is a level of trust being established, if you feel comfortable doing so you may also respond with your own challenges or difficulties to reciprocate the trust. This reminds your loved one a few things; they’re not alone and they are not less than for having experienced a difficult situation.

Comfort:

If verbalizing emotional validation is still difficult, we can always offer our loved ones a warm cup of tea, a comforting blanket or loving embrace. These small actions can also show a sense of understanding by helping our loved one alleviate some of their current suffering.

The seven tools listed above are not a comprehensive list or the only ways to be a supportive friend, family member, partner or community member. We could all use a little extra help in learning how to be a curious and compassionate person and I hope the tools listed above bring you one step closer to the people you love most.

References:

Fruzzetti, A. E., & Shenk, C. (2008). Fostering validating responses in families. Social Work in Mental Health, 6(1-2), 215–227. https://doi.org/10.1300/J200v06n01_17

Salters-Pedneault, K. (2016, March 27). What is Emotional Validation? Found at

http://bpd.about.com/ad/forfamilyandfriends/a/Validating-Emotions.htm