ADHD and Shame
When you have Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), missing a work deadline often feels like the end of the world. First there comes the dread of, “not again!” once you realize you’ve done “it” again. That “it” being making a mistake, did not follow through, or arrived a few minutes late. These are the everyday struggles that individuals with ADHD face and encounter. While ADHD is a developmental disorder that often presents as difficulty with inattention, emotional regulation, impulsivity, and organization it often arouses feelings of shame, low self esteem, and disappointment in not meeting expectations. Because no matter how hard individuals with ADHD try to stay on top of it all, our diagnosis ultimately creates barriers around executive functioning.
Shame vs. Guilt
Shame is a very powerful emotion and separate from guilt. When individuals feel guilt they believe they have done something bad, but individuals with shame believe they are bad. Common ADHD symptoms create a negative feedback loop leading to shame. When we struggle with completing tasks, impulsivity, and forgetfulness, we are met with admonishment, disappointment, and judgement from the real struggle to keep it all together. Over time, as the struggles with executive functioning continue to exist and the we continue to receive external messages that we are doing things wrong. While receiving constant messages of being “wrong”, individuals with ADHD begin to truly believe something is wrong with them leading to shame. Experiencing shame is not a sign of personal failure or guilt, it is a natural response to living in a world that is neurotypical.
ADHD Shame Cycle
Let’s break down the shame cycle step by step using an example:
- An individual with ADHD misses a work deadline: This is a symptom of forgetfulness found in ADHD.
- Negative self-talk: In their disappointment an individual with ADHD may begin engaging in negative self talk such as: “I can’t believe I did that again.” “I am such an idiot.” “I can never get things right.”
- Shame response: The individual begins to experience their ADHD symptom as a personal failure or problem rather than as a symptom of their diagnosis. People experiencing shame from their ADHD symptoms may often feel their behaviors are due to a lack of discipline, maturity, or capability.
- Avoidance to cope: After experiencing the stagnating weight of shame, a person may avoid attempting a task that they believe can create shame.
- Shame reinforcement: An individual with ADHD may begin to experience shame due to their avoidance of tasks. Or as an individual with ADHD they make another mistake related to their executive functioning and begin to experience shame again.
This cycle creates a loop that can keep people stuck in their shame like quicksand. This cycle and struggle is a challenge individuals with ADHD experience on a daily basis.
Shame and Mental Health
Shame has a major impact on one’s mental health. Shame can snowball and develop into self-doubt, low self esteem, and a lack of trust in one’s self. People with ADHD who are stuck in the shame cycle will often attempt to overcompensate for what they feel is a personal failing. This overcompensation often looks like people pleasing, ignoring personal boundaries, perfectionism, and hiding mistakes out of fear of judgement.
Breaking The Cycle
While the shame cycle can be daunting, it is not a cycle individuals with ADHD have to be stuck in. There is hope and there are tools to get unstuck. Shame thrives in darkness and secrecy. By not discussing shame we continue to validate it. It is important to recognize shame as we experience it. By naming the shame we are able to recognize that we are not the sum of our mistakes. By discussing shame we also normalize imperfections, because neurotypical or neurodiverse no one is perfect.
It’s also really important to reframe mistakes and practice self-compassion. There is a vast difference between “I am lazy” and “my brain works differently”. The first phrase frames any mistake as a personal failing and indicator of one’s value leading to more shame. Therapy is a great place to recognize and break the shame cycle. Therapy can create a space to slow down your thoughts and to allow for more introspection and self compassion regarding behaviors.
You are not broken, you are not lazy. Your brain works differently and you are worthy of a life of compassion and with systems that affirm you.
