A Relational Approach to Emotional Abuse
Fear of judgment and shame can hold couples back from coming to therapy- both on the abuser and victim side. For the abusive person, being labeled as such and the threat of not being able to exert the power and control they currently have over their partner are concerns that may lead them to avoid seeking professional help. For the person in the victim role, fear of being told they have to leave their partner or being judged for getting into and staying in an abusive dynamic can hold them back from coming to therapy. In short, an abusive dynamic is one in which one partner enacts a pattern of control through fear over the other partner. This results in a basic lack of consent in the relationship since the abused partner is afraid to assert their will out of terror of being abandoned or hurting the abusive person by telling them the truth or leaving them.
The point of therapy should never be to stigmatize, shame, or exclude anyone. However, all couples therapists are trained not to work in a couples context with domestic violence relationships because topics that come up in therapy can be used against the person who is victimized later and result in punishment, emotional backlash, and violence. Therefore the victim may not feel safe to be honest in session, and therapy without honesty is almost pointless. This dynamic can occur in emotionally abusive relationships too. The risk of physical danger in DV relationships makes couples therapy just too high, but in emotionally abusive relationships or those with mutual partner violence, called Intimate Partner Violence (IPV), it can be worth it to try to work in couples therapy towards a higher level of trust and honesty through implementing more healthy self-soothing and communication skills. It can take a lot for a couple struggling with these problems to even reach out for therapy, so in this blog I want to discuss how therapists can do our best for these clients, and to those who are struggling with this, provide hope and an open door to getting help.
Important Concepts:
Shame
There is a difference between shame and guilt- shame is “I am bad”, and guilt is “I did something bad”. Shame can be a strong motivator for people to act in a socially acceptable way, or just to hide the ways they are not doing this. Shame works to alter behavior, there is no doubt about that, but as this podcast (@ 17 min.) from The CEO Whisperer states, shame is basically like putting diesel into a regular gas car- it will run the engine down quickly. Guilt is a more healthy motivator- we feel regret for our actions and may also feel embarrassed, but the story is not “I am a terrible person and I’m terrified everyone is going to find out”.
Shame is the main driver for the abusive actions of a perpetrating partner, and this is where we can develop empathy for a person who abuses. It is important to note that having empathy for someone who enacts abusive behavior does not mean that we are excusing or validating their harmful actions. Instead it means that we can see the whole person, validate their humanity, and reduce the harm caused because we are open to their experiences. A person who enacts a pattern of controlling behavior in relationships is most likely absolutely terrified that if they do not do things to make sure their partner stays with them, they will be abandoned. No matter their outer bravado, inside, they truly believe they are an unworthy and bad person- hence the shame. Examples of events that trigger this shame are them getting caught in a lie, failing at something for work or a hobby, receiving negative feedback, experiencing social rejection, etc. Shame can also rise its head when they see their partner having “too much” confidence or independence, because this activates their feeling of being not enough and therefore the threat of being left. Efforts to control through fear will arise such as threats to leave the relationship, kick the other person out, seizing finances, gaslighting to make the other person feel crazy, breaking things, and emotional punishment such as ignoring the partner, tearing them down, or saying mean things, etc.
The thing that people in these dynamics have in common is that both hold a lot of shame that keep them stuck in the cycle. Being able to share with friends, in group therapy, CODA or other recovery communities, or with a therapist can reduce shame and pave the way for more healthy coping.
Susceptibility
Empaths, people with a history of abuse or abandonment in their family of origin, codependents, and those going through big life changes are susceptible to being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally abusive. Abusive people are often trauma victims as well, which is one way they appeal to empaths- an empath will feel sorry for them, make excuses for their behavior, and think they can help or heal them. This article by Dr. Prusko for Northwestern contains helpful information about red flag behaviors to look for that indicate narcissistic abuse. Imago therapy, a couple therapy model created by Harville Hendrix, states that we all subconsciously look for partners who remind us of our childhood. This is why people with abusive childhoods are often attracted to abusers- the relationship dynamic feels like home. Codependence is a relationship cycle often between an addict or mentally ill person and their partner in which a “trauma triangle” plays out. The codependent tries to help the mentally ill person by controlling their behavior, feels like a victim, and then ends up perpetrating abuse of their own because the person refuses to be helped. Big life changes like moving to a new city, an end to another relationship, or a death in the family can leave a person mentally susceptible to an abusive relationship.
People with abuse/neglect/abandonment histories, PTSD, who have witnessed or been a party to violence, or who had narcissistic or emotionally abusive caregivers, are susceptible to becoming emotionally abusive. Due to what they have experienced in life, they seek to control a partner so they cannot be hurt or left in the ways they were in the past. Poor coping skills pave the way for them to take out their fear, anger, and emotional dysregulation on others.
Boundaries
The most important step in ending emotional abuse in a relationship is setting firm boundaries. This is always an incredibly difficult task, because an abusive person is used to being able to walk over their partner, and will use any means necessary to get what they want, including fighting dirty. The thing to remember is that once you hold strong on your new boundaries in several instances, the resistance may start to die down. However this can be a dangerous time in the relationship, so a safety plan should be created before implementing boundaries. If the abusive person becomes violent or threatens to harm themselves or anyone else, steps must be taken such as leaving the environment, calling a safe person, or alerting police or mental health crisis workers.
Examples of boundaries could be as simple as telling the person the time you need to go to sleep or be somewhere, and then doing that regardless of what they do. It could be not allowing them to go through your phone, or insisting on seeing friends or going places alone when desired. A definite boundary to set is walking away and taking a break from any argument that escalates into yelling, insults, threatening to end the relationship, or any other kind of manipulation.
Self-Soothing
In an emotionally abusive dynamic, both people need to learn to self-sooth so that they can take a healthy break from one another when needed. Abusive people can benefit from anger management skills such as exercising, meditation, identifying triggers, learning how to communicate primary emotions, or journaling. DBT skills have a lot to offer for everyone involved. Partners of emotionally abusive people often struggle with anxiety and have a hard time breaking away from an argument. This is a fear that needs to be faced, because showing strength in the form of refusing to engage is essential to healing the abusive dynamic. Similar skills can be used such as calling a friend, mindfulness, taking a walk, playing a game, or going to a workout class.
It is important to note that an abusive person cannot be helped by therapy unless they truly want to change. If you are doing therapy with someone who says they are only there because their partner wants them to be, who continues to blame their partner and take no responsibility, or who shows an unwillingness and unlikelihood to change, end the couple therapy and suggest individual therapy. Studies cited in Medical News Today do show that transference-focused therapy and schema therapy can help those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, for which many abusive people meet criteria. Transference-focused therapy is psychodynamic and consists of confronting issues in the therapeutic relationship as a vehicle for change. Basically the person with NPD will learn healthier ways of relating to others through practice with their therapist. Schema therapy is a type of behavioral therapy that helps people replace their negative worldviews with more positive ones.
Keep in mind that loving an abusive person and trying to meet their every need will not change them. Only them wanting to change, will change them. Please reach out to intake@gracecft.com if you would like to be matched with an individual or couples therapist who can help.
Grace Martin, LMFT