Unlocking Masculinity

Redefining masculinity in therapy: breaking chains, fostering growth, and building community for male-identifying individuals.

If you’re a male-identifying individual, the very act of being in therapy, or simply the idea of it, may be at odds with how you see yourself as a man. Embrace any discomfort you may feel – it's completely acceptable! Consider the possibility that this discomfort could be an indication that personal growth is on the horizon.

Let’s back up a bit and understand where this discomfort might be coming from. Masculinity is a social construct, which means that it consists of a set of norms agreed upon by a society about what it means to be a man (Hoffman & Addis, 2020; Houle et al., 2017). Moreover, these norms serve as the standard by which individuals assess their own expressions of masculinity as well as others (Van Grootel et al., 2018). Traditional masculinity, however, refers to those stereotypical “strong-but-silent-type” demonstrations of manhood, which are rooted in patriarchy and white supremacy and result in systemic injustices like racism, violence towards women, and homophobia (Le & Iwamoto 2022; Levant et al., 2020; Mahalik et al., 2003; Wong et al., 2017). While there is much to say on the destructive nature of traditional masculinity, I hope to shed some light on how one’s relationship with masculinity might impact their experience in therapy.

Male-identifying individuals are often socialized to be emotionless, self-reliant beings - quite literally taught not to ask for help. Instead, men are expected to toughen up and roll with the punches. However, bearing the weight of one’s thoughts, feelings, and emotions without the help of another can become burdensome for anyone. In fact, research shows that endorsement of conformity to traditional masculine norms is associated with the risk of suicide and depression as well as a host of additional threats to one’s wellness (Coleman et al., 2020; Rice et al., 2013; Walther et al., 2023). When these societal expectations follow us into therapy, it can be hard to open up and express ourselves in any kind of meaningful way. Here are some things that might help:

Talk it out

If you are in therapy, it could be that your therapist is partially to blame for your discomfort. Maybe they lack a certain ability to understand, empathize with, or remain non-judgmental about whatever it is you bring to session. Perhaps they lack knowledge of your culture’s masculine ideals, and/or they may even represent a group which has historically benefited from your oppression, both of which are uncomfortable to navigate as a client. But before you go running for the hills, I would strongly encourage you to engaging in a discussion with your therapist to explore this decision and determine your subsequent course of action. Research suggests that the quality of the therapeutic relationship plays a major role in treatment outcome (Del Re et al., 2021). Rupture and repair, which involves talking to your therapist about your conflicts in your relationship with them, can be beneficial for your therapeutic growth (Eubanks et. al, 2018). In the event that things don't align, keep an open mind to the potential existence of a therapist who is an ideal match for your specific needs. Hopefully your therapist has a handy list of referrals, and you’ll be on your way to a better suited clinician in no time.

Self-compassion

Take a moment to reflect on your own thoughts about why you’ve come to therapy in the first place. Is there any judgment present? Do you feel like less of a man because of what you're experiencing? Shame can make it difficult to open up about our self-perceived shortcomings. You might find it helpful to talk to yourself as if you were consoling a friend with a similar issue. You would probably meet them with more empathic understanding than you would yourself. It could even be suggested that you would encourage others to seek professional help. The question then arises, why not extend the same consideration to yourself?

Community

Self-compassion has been shown to contribute to positive attitudes about seeking help among male-identifying individuals, particularly for those belonging to a group or community (Wasylkiw & Clairo, 2018). When we’re connected with like-minded individuals we realize we are not alone in our struggle. Not only is it okay to ask for help, but there are also people around who want to help. Maybe it’s time to join that club or organization you’ve been meaning to. Or perhaps you’re interested in men’s group therapy, which is a specific therapeutic modality known to increase one’s sense of community (Vickery, 2022).

Additional Resources

If you’re interested in expanding your understanding of masculinity, here are some of my personal recommendations which I have found extremely helpful myself.

Scene on Radio, Season 3 - This podcast offers a thorough historical socio-political analysis of masculinity and how it came to be what it is today.

Beyond the Gender Binary - Alok Vaid-Menon is a gender non-conforming writer, performance artist, and activist. Their book discusses the freedom that can be gained through letting go of such rigid definitions of both masculinity and femininity. Here’s a link to a podcast interview if reading’s not your thing.

References

Coleman, D., Feigelman, W., & Rosen, Z. (2020). Association of high traditional masculinity and risk of suicide death: Secondary analysis of the Add Health study. JAMA Psychiatry, 77(4), 435–437. https://doi-org.turing.library.northwestern.edu/10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2019.4702

Del Re, A. C., Flückiger, C., Horvath, A. O., & Wampold, B. E. (2021). Examining therapist effects in the alliance–outcome relationship: A multilevel meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 89(5), 371–378. https://doi.org/10.1037/ccp0000637 (Supplemental)

Eubanks, C. F., Muran, J. C., & Safran, J. D. (2018b). Alliance rupture repair: A meta-analysis. Psychotherapy, 55(4), 508–519. https://doi.org/10.1037/pst0000185

Hoffman, E., & Addis, M. E. (2020). Reconstructing and/or deconstructing masculinity: A commentary on the case of “Tommy.” Pragmatic Case Studies in Psychotherapy, 16(3), 312–319. https://doi-org.turing.library.northwestern.edu/10.14713/pcsp.v16i3.2079

Houle, J., Meunier, S., Coulombe, S., Mercerat, C., Gaboury, I., Tremblay, G., de Montigny, F., Cloutier, L., Roy, B., Auger, N., & Lavoie, B. (2017). Peer positive social control and men’s health-promoting behaviors. American Journal of Men’s Health, 11(5), 1569–1579. https://doi-org.turing.library.northwestern.edu/10.1177/1557988317711605

Le, T. P., & Iwamoto, D. K. (2022). Racial discrimination, gender role conflict, and depression in college men of color: A longitudinal test of the racist-gender stress model. Psychology of Men & Masculinities, 23(1), 4–12. https://doi-org.turing.library.northwestern.edu/10.1037/men0000378

Levant, R. F., McDermott, R., Parent, M. C., Alshabani, N., Mahalik, J. R., & Hammer, J. H. (2020). Development and evaluation of a new short form of the Conformity to Masculine Norms Inventory (CMNI-30). Journal of Counseling Psychology, 67(5), 622–636. https://doi-org.turing.library.northwestern.edu/10.1037/cou0000414.supp (Supplemental)

Mahalik, J. R., Locke, B. D., Ludlow, L. H., Diemer, M. A., Scott, R. P. J., Gottfried, M., & Freitas, G. (2003). Development of the Conformity to Masculine Norms Inventory. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 4(1), 3–25. https://doi-org.turing.library.northwestern.edu/10.1037/1524-9220.4.1.3

Rice, S. M., Fallon, B. J., Aucote, H. M., & Möller-Leimkühler, A. M. (2013). Development and preliminary validation of the male depression risk scale: Furthering the assessment of depression in men. Journal of Affective Disorders, 151(3), 950–958.

Van Grootel, S., Van Laar, C., Meeussen, L., Schmader, T., & Sczesny, S. (2018). Uncovering pluralistic ignorance to change men’s communal self-descriptions, attitudes, and behavioral intentions. Frontiers in Psychology, 9. https://doi-org.turing.library.northwestern.edu/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.01344

Vickery, A. (2022). ‘it’s made me feel less isolated because there are other people who are experiencing the same or very similar to you’: Men’s experiences of using mental health support groups. Health & Social Care in the Community. https://doi-org.turing.library.northwestern.edu/10.1111/hsc.13788

Walther, A., Grub, J., Tsar, S., Ehlert, U., Heald, A., Perrin, R., Ogrodniczuk, J. S., Seidler, Z. E., Rice, S. M., Kealy, D., Oliffe, J. L., & Eggenberger, L. (2023). Status loss due to COVID-19, traditional masculinity, and their association with recent suicide attempts and suicidal ideation. Psychology of Men & Masculinities, 24(1), 47–62. https://doi-org.turing.library.northwestern.edu/10.1037/men0000408.supp (Supplemental)

Wasylkiw, L., & Clairo, J. (2018). Help seeking in men: When masculinity and self-compassion collide. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 19(2), 234–242. https://doi-org.turing.library.northwestern.edu/10.1037/men0000086

Wong, Y. J., Ho, M.-H. R., Wang, S.-Y., & Miller, I. S. K. (2017). Meta-analyses of the relationship between conformity to masculine norms and mental health-related outcomes. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 64(1), 80–93. https://doi-org.turing.library.northwestern.edu/10.1037/cou0000176.supp (Supplemental)

Our therapists at GTWC are here to help as well- contact intake@gracecft.com to be matched with a therapist who can support you through SAD.