Neurodiversity in Relationships
Exploring the impact of masking, unmasking, and communication challenges in mixed-neurotype couples for healthier, stronger connections
In today’s discourse, terms like neurodiversity, AuDHD, Neurospicy, and ‘Tism are becoming increasingly prevalent. While these words may be trendy, their meanings and implications run deeper than many realize. With a growing number of individuals identifying as formally or self-diagnosed with ADHD, Autism, OCD, and other neurodiverse conditions, it’s more important than ever to understand the complexities of these diagnoses and their impact on relationships, particularly in dating.
Neurodiversity is often viewed in isolation, neglecting its role in various relationship dynamics, including parenting, friendships, dating, monogamous relationships, and consensual non-monogamy. All these connections require communication, boundaries, emotional safety, and attentiveness—elements that can be particularly challenging for neurodiverse individuals. As a result, partners in relationships with neurodiverse individuals may often feel unheard, unimportant, or emotionally unsafe. Meanwhile, neurodiverse individuals may feel isolated, misunderstood, and hopeless regarding their ability to meet their partner’s needs. This article aims to provide context for the emotional experiences of individuals in dating and committed relationships while normalizing these experiences and offering practical tips.
The Concept of Masking
One term gaining traction is masking, which refers to the strategies individuals employ to conceal their authentic thoughts, emotions, or challenges (Charlie Health et al., 2023). In dating, neurodiverse individuals may engage in masking due to a lack of safety in revealing their true selves to potential partners. While this can be a protective mechanism, it may also lead the neurotypical partner to feel deceived.
Deciding when to disclose a neurodiverse condition is a deeply personal choice that varies from person to person. Timing is significant, but it’s understood that emotional connections are not confined by time and space, making it challenging to determine the right moment for disclosure. Trust, comfort, and safety play critical roles in this process, yet there’s no set timeline for when disclosure must occur. Navigating the nuances of masking and disclosure can create a complex array of challenges for both partners.
Unmasking in Committed Relationships
As relationships move from dating into more committed stages, unmasking often begins. “Blocking your emotions and masking (repressing emotion, suppressing your natural way of existing, and camouflaging) may lead to burnout, disconnection, and isolation” (Chillemi, 2024). The masking process can be draining, so unmasking in front of a partner might feel liberating for the neurodiverse individual. However, the impact on the neurotypical partner is rarely discussed. Imagine getting to know someone and learning how they present themselves to you, their friends, family, and the public. As you grow closer, this may start to change. The neurodiverse partner, exhausted from masking, might become more irritable or distant, or experience heightened emotions, stimming, abrupt conversations, or vacant stares. For the neurotypical partner, processing these changes can be distressing, but here are some ways to navigate those challenges.
Navigating Mixed Neurotype Relationships
Laurie Budlong-Morse (2023) outlines a four-part process that can be particularly beneficial for “mixed-neurotype” couples. This framework consists of the map, destination, compass, and vehicle—metaphors for navigating relationship challenges.
The Map: Encourages curiosity about each partner’s neurotype and how they interact, fostering a clearer understanding that can enhance the relationship.
The Destination: Involves understanding each partner's wants, needs, and desires to create a shared vision for the relationship.
The Compass: Budlong-Morse introduces the concept of "twice-compassion," which encompasses self-compassion and partner-compassion, guiding partners toward their destination.
The Vehicle: The “relational vehicle” consists of routines—practices or structures that work well for both partners. While “rhythm” might resonate more than “routine,” the goal remains the same: finding consistent ways of functioning that suit both partners.
Practical Steps for Dating
By familiarizing yourself with tools like this framework, you and your partner can build a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. Relationships are inherently challenging but making space for each other's experiences and approaching with curiosity about how your brains work can make a significant difference. Here are some reflective questions to consider:
What does support look like when one of us is overstimulated?
How can I express my feelings about my/your disability?
How can I best show you love and compassion when I may not fully understand your experience?
For those interested in exploring Laurie Budlong-Morse's process further, her workshop offers valuable insights: Neurodiverse Couples Workshop.
References:
Budlong-Morse, L. (2023, September 21). The 4-part process neurodiverse couples need to know: Your relationship roadmap. Medium. Link
Chillemi, K. (2023, August 24). Neurodivergent Minds. Functional Legacy Mindset. Link
Team, C. H. E. (2024, July 18). What is masking? Charlie Health. Link
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