How to Help Your Kids Feel Seen and Loved – Even When You’re Exhausted

By Kyndsi Sundberg, MSMFT

Do you feel like you’re constantly fighting with your kids? Like no matter what you do, it’s never enough? You’re exhausted, and it feels like all your efforts are unacknowledged and thrown out the window? 

Parenting can be overwhelming, especially when it feels like you're giving everything you have and still coming up short. But here's the truth: Children thrive when they feel seen, valued, and like they truly matter. And while that might seem hard to achieve when you're running on empty, there are ways you can help your kids feel loved and special—even on the toughest days. Therapy for parents is my speciality- I know parenting styles differ, and this post offers some ideas that can fit in any household.

How Can You Help Your Kids Feel Loved and Seen?

You might be wondering, “How can I make my kids feel loved and special when I’m completely exhausted? How can I help them when I barely have the energy to help myself?”

Children, like all of us, flourish when they have secure attachment and feel safe in the presence of trusted people. They need someone to model emotional regulation for them. While kids are capable of learning how to manage their emotions, they often need us to show them what that looks like first. This is where co-regulation comes in. 

What is Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation is the process of two people interacting in a way that helps them regulate their emotions. Essentially, it’s when one person’s calm meets another person’s storm. It's the act of guiding, soothing, and supporting someone else's emotions—especially when they’re feeling overwhelmed, upset, or out of control.

When a child is throwing a tantrum, feeling anxious, or acting out, co-regulation allows you to stay calm and centered. By modeling emotional control and offering a sense of safety, you help your child learn to calm down as well. This doesn't mean you have to have all the answers or be perfect—it's about being present and offering them a sense of security during emotional moments.

Why Is Co-Regulation Important?

For children, emotional regulation is a skill that takes time to develop. They learn it through observing the adults around them, especially their parents and caregivers. When you respond calmly and empathetically to your child’s big emotions, you're teaching them how to manage their own feelings in a healthy way. 

This kind of emotional connection helps kids feel seen and understood. It builds their trust in you, creating a safe space where they know they can express their emotions without fear of judgment or punishment. 

How to Practice Co-Regulation

1. Stay Calm: When your child is upset, your first step is to remain as calm as possible. Take a deep breath, and remind yourself that your child’s emotions are not a reflection of your failure as a parent—they’re just a natural part of growing up.

2. Acknowledge Their Feelings: Let your child know that you understand they’re upset. Instead of immediately trying to fix the problem, validate their emotions by saying something like, “I see you’re really frustrated right now” or “I understand you're feeling sad.”

3. Model Calmness: Show your child how to handle emotions by staying composed. You might say something like, “I feel frustrated too, but I’m going to take a deep breath to calm down.”

4. Offer Comfort: If your child is open to it, offer a hug or simply sit with them in silence. Sometimes, just being there without judgment is enough to help them regulate their emotions.

5. Be Patient: Co-regulation isn’t about getting your child to stop crying or calming down immediately. It’s about being there, providing reassurance, and giving them the space to process their feelings.

What If You’re Just Too Exhausted?

Let’s be honest—sometimes, you just don’t have the emotional energy to engage in a long co-regulation session. And that’s okay. Parenting is exhausting, and no one expects you to be perfect all the time. On those days when you’re running on empty, here are a few tips to help both you and your child navigate tough moments:

Take a Break: If possible, step away for a few minutes to regroup. It's okay to tell your child that you need a moment to breathe before you can talk or help them. This models healthy boundaries and emotional self-care.

Lean on Your Support System: If you have a partner, family member, or friend who can step in, ask for help. You don’t have to do this alone. 

Be Compassionate: Parenting is hard. It’s okay to have moments when you don’t get it all right. What matters most is showing up and doing your best. Your kids will see your effort and will feel loved and supported, even if things don’t go perfectly.

The Bottom Line

Parenting is full of challenges, and some days will feel like a struggle. But remember that you are doing your best, and that effort matters more than you might realize. By practicing co-regulation, you’re not only helping your child feel seen and loved, but you’re also teaching them important life skills that will serve them for years to come.

So, take a deep breath, trust yourself, and know that you’re making a bigger impact than you think. You’ve got this.

I offer parenting therapy in Chicago as well as virtually. Email me at kyndsi@gracecft.com to get started!

References:

Paley B, Hajal NJ. Conceptualizing Emotion Regulation and Coregulation as Family-Level Phenomena. Clin Child Fam Psychol Rev. 2022 Mar;25(1):19-43. doi: 10.1007/s10567-022-00378-4. Epub 2022 Jan 30. PMID: 35098427; PMCID: PMC8801237.

Rosanbalm, K.D., & Murray, D.W. (2017). Caregiver Co-regulation Across Development: A Practice Brief. OPRE Brief #2017-80. Washington, DC: Office of Planning, Research, and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families, US. Department of Health and Human Services.